


As I Am

by ChibiAhiru



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Chronic Illness, Confessions, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dating, Developing Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Castiel (Supernatural), Insecurity, M/M, Sleepovers, Supportive Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 18:04:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18722179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibiAhiru/pseuds/ChibiAhiru
Summary: Past experiences had taught Castiel that letting people see him like this never ended well for his developing relationships. Fearing his relationship with Dean would end the same way he hesitated to press send.





	As I Am

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> This is not Beta read so I appreciate your help with correcting any mistakes you find by messaging me. :)

Picture from S7E1

The screen on his smartphone lit up his face as the cursor was blinking at the end of the sentence, finger hovering over the send button.

_Me: Sorry Dean, I can not come tomorrow._

This would be the third time this month he had cancelled a date with Dean. Dean had been understanding the first two times because he feigned illness and a job emergency but Dean had to start becoming suspicious now.

They had been dating for a few months now and things were going well. Castiel wasn't really sure what Dean saw in him but he really liked Dean and didn't want him to see him like this.

On the other hand he knew he wouldn't be able to hide for much longer. Experience had taught him that others didn't respond well to learning about his chronic skin condition. Having others seeing it first hand had garnered different reactions but one way or another the relationships always ended with him being dumped.

So this time he thought he would spare himself the heart ache and avoid Dean until the man gave up or the rashes cleared up, which ever came first. With a sigh he pressed the send button and the loading circle showed that his message was being sent.

Not even a minute had passed before his phone vibrated to life the little light at the top blinking green, showing that he had an unread message.

With trepidation he unlocked the screen to access the message. It was just a simple question.

_Dean: Why?_

Castiel contemplated his response but in the end he decided to feign illness again, it was the closest to the truth anyway.

_Me: I still haven't quite recovered from that cold it seems._

After the message was sent he didn't bother to wait for a reply. Instead he went into the bathroom to inspect the damage.

It usually started out looking like a rash the skin going red and itchy. Then the skin would start to look like it had been burn damaged and bleeding could occur.

When he meet Dean the rashes were mostly contained to his torso or extremities. Parts which could easily be covered from view by clothes but as fall changed to winter the rashes would usually flair up and get worse. This year was no different it seems.

As he observes himself in the bathroom mirror he notes that the skin under his left eye had run its course and had started to heal. However as he looked closer he could see that a new rash was starting to form on his forehead.

With a sigh he applied his prescribed skin cream to the spots on his face knowing it wasn't going to help much, just ease the itching. That's the problem with chronic skin conditions there were rarely a cure just ways to keep the symptoms at bay.

As he reentered the living room he heard a knock on the door. Assuming it would be one of his neighbors he didn't bother checking the peephole.

He regretted it immediately because on the other side stood Dean. Hurriedly he tried to close the door before Dean could get a good look at him.

Unfortunantly he was a second too late, Dean was able to jam his boot clad foot in the opening. Knowing he wouldn't be strong enough to push Dean out he turned tail and ran into the living room.

With his back turned away from the entrance he could only hear as Dean stepped into the room.

“Cas?” Dean tentatively called out.

“Hello Dean” Castiel responded without turning around to face Dean.

“I thought I would swing by to give you some soup to cure that cold of yours but I am suspecting you don't have a cold” Dean was probably holding up a plastic bag to prove his point but all Castiel could hear was it rustling in his hand.

Dean sounded frustrated and the accusation caused Castiel to tense his shoulders. He knew his time was up, Dean wouldn't leave without a proper explanation. So he gathered his reserves to tell Dean the truth.

“No I don't have a cold”

“Then why have you been avoiding me? If you wanted to stop dating you could have just said so”

“No, I don't want to stop seeing you” Castiel answered truthfully, still unable to look Dean in the eye.

“I hear a but coming” Dean interjected before Castiel could continue. Taking a weary breath Castiel gathered his courage and turned around to face Dean.

“but I expect you wouldn't want to continue dating me after seeing this”

Castiel stood still letting Dean digest what he was seeing in his poorly lit living room, waiting for the inevitable.

“What happened?” Dean asked breathless after a few moments of silence.

Castiel lowered his gaze trying to hide his face as much as possible. Which is not as easy as it used to be, when he was younger he grew his hair out for that purpose specifically.

“Nothing happened. Its just a flare-up, I have a chronic skin condition” Castiel explained dejectedly. He hated having to always explain this part, it never gets any easier.

Even though the condition wasn't contagious in the slightest people would still shy away from touching him and give him weird looks if he had any visible flare-ups.

The longer he thought about it old memories were brought to the surface. Soon a lump was forming in his throat and a familiar burning sensation welled up in his eyes.

Momentarily he had forgotten all about Dean until he felt the man step into his personal space. “Cas” Dean spoke in a low voice as he reached out to place a hand under Castiel's chin lifting it up gently.

Castiel tried to blink the tears away before meeting Dean's piercing green eyes but he wasn't entirely successful.

“Hey, why are you crying?” Castiel sniffled at the question but he wasn't able to find the words to explain.

Dean guided Castiel to sit on the couch sitting down right next to him and enveloping him in a hug. They sat together, Dean rubbing soothing circles on Castiel's back as he tired to calm his breathing.

“I am sorry” Castiel finally managed to whisper, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.

Dean squeezed him tighter for a second “You have nothing to be sorry for Cas” “But I lied to you” Castiel tried to argue as he pulled away from Dean's embrace.

“No, you didn't Cas.” Castiel gave Dean an incredulous look “Maybe a little but it was more like withholding information rather than lying” Dean explained his reasoning with a small smile.

“You are not disgusted by how I look?” He asked fearing the answer. Dean looked him straight in the eye and answered with a simple “No”

Castiel mulled this over for a bit. Dean didn't seem too angry which was a relief but still that didn't mean he would want to continue dating.

“Would you want to stay and watch a movie?” Castiel asked tentatively. Dean was quick to respond. “Sure, I'm always up for movie night”

They settle in on the couch but Castiel hesitated to lie next to Dean thinking he wouldn't want Castiel so close. Dean however wouldn't take any of that and pulled Castiel on top of him hugging him close. With a random action movie they found on Netflix playing they laid together cuddling on the couch.

As the movie came to an end both were half asleep and it was past midnight. Castiel moved to get up from the couch. Tugging at the sleeves of his sweater he decided to brave it and ask “It's pretty late, if you want you can sleep over” Castiel offered.

Dean smiled at him “Great, I wasn't looking forwards to getting out in the cold” Castiel released the breath he had been holding with a shy smile and lead Dean to his bedroom.

“Do you want something to sleep in? I probably have some clothes you could borrow” Castiel offered.

“No that's fine, I usually sleep in my underwear if you're okay with that” Dean responded. Castiel couldn't help but blush at that but nodded in response.

“You can brush your teeth first if you want” Castiel said as he gave Dean one of his extra toothbrushes. Dean disappeared into the bathroom and while he was in there Castiel took the opportunity to quickly change into his own sleep-ware. A dark long sleeved T-shirt, a pair of checkered pyjama bottoms and a pair of soft socks.

As he finished pulling off the covers from the bed Dean came back out of the bathroom.“Aren't you going to be hot sleeping in all of that?”

“No, I usually get cold at night” Castiel responded, still not quite comfortable with explaining the complete truth of why he dresses like this to sleep. Castiel went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and when he got out Dean had undressed and had made himself comfortable on the bed.

The sight of all that unblemished skin caused his insecurities to come flooding back and once again he hesitated at the side of the bed. Dean was watching him approach the bed and gave him a reassuring smile while he patted the space besides himself. Castiel turned off the ceiling light and climbed in gingerly unused to having someone sleeping next to him.

Dean decided to take pity on him and pulled him against his chest spooning him from behind. “This okay?” Dean asked breath ghosting against his neck.

With a shudder Castiel answered with a quiet 'yes' and both of them were soon drifting off to sleep.

***

Castiel woke up to the sun shining in his face, he feels unusually warm as he gains consciousness. A weight is pressed over his waist and after closer inspection he notes that Dean's hand had snuck under his T-shirt and was resting on his stomach right on top of one of his rashes.

Panicking slightly Castiel moved to remove the hand but as he reached for it Dean stirred to life behind him and hugged him closer to his strong chest.

“Mornin'” he mumbled, voice raspy with sleep. Castiel turned his head so he could see Dean out of the corner of his eye. “Good morning, Dean. Did you sleep well?”

“As a matter a-fact, I did. You?” Castiel turned all the way around to face Dean. Dean's hand stayed inside his shirt now stroking up and down his back right over more of the rashes.

“You don't have to do that” Castiel said and Dean stopped moving his hand. “What?”

“Touch my skin” Castiel answered quietly without meeting Deans eyes. “Don't you like it?” Dean countered and started to move his hand again.

“I like it” Castiel confessed with a blush “but they are gross right, the rashes?” Dean leaned in for a soft kiss “Cas, there is nothing gross about you”

Castiel found it hard to wrap his head around how understanding Dean was being but for once hope was building in his chest that this relationship wouldn't end because of his condition.

Dean brought him out of his musing “I am starving, let's make some breakfast”

Castiel leaned in for another soft kiss and joined Dean to prepare breakfast in the kitchen actually feeling happy for telling someone for once.


End file.
